Don’t worry, you’re not alone! Everyone has had an experience in life where a special date flaked on them (well admittedly it’s happened to Scott (plenty of times!) but we’re not sure anyone could flake on Lisa 😉 ). If you’re thinking ‘My date canceled on me 3 times, what do I do?’, then today’s blog post will help you.
If they’ve canceled on you 3 times, it’s time to move on. This shows a total lack of respect for your time and no genuine interest in pursuing a relationship. In today’s blog post we’re going to talk about some research on flaking, why people flake and how to deal with it.
When Scott was single he was the kind of man who never had an issue asking a girl for her number if he liked her (and the last girl he asked he ended up marrying!).
After a while of being on the dating scene, he noticed a rough rule of thumb when it came to dates and flaking. Say (over some period of months) he met 10 women and they each gave them their number.
Out of those (roughly speaking):
⦁ 3 would end up being fake numbers (or when he called they had a boyfriend).
⦁ 1 would be real but he’d find that they didn’t have chemistry anymore.
⦁ 3 would result in dates that were flaked on.
⦁ 3 would result in dates that happened. From this, 2 would flake out after the first date leaving 1 that had real longer-term dating potential.
Given this, Scott just accepted that being flaked on was part of the dating process and it was nothing to get upset about. If anything, flakes are a time-saving way to move on to a potential partner with better prospects (now that’s a new way to look at it).
Why people flake
There are all sorts of weird and wonderful posts on the internet about how to stop people flaking on you, magic words to change your date’s mind or ‘how to stop attracting flakey people’ (as if there’s some kind of technique which masks you from their presence).
Not to mention the infamous ‘5 signs a girl/guy is about to flake on you’ posts!
We’re sorry to tell you but this is all largely baloney (and you can’t really change them)!
There are really only 4 reasons why people flake:
⦁ They’ve just met someone else who they like more (or an old flame has returned).
⦁ They’re enjoying your attention but nothing more. (This happens a lot, especially through online dating).
⦁ They were never interested and were just being polite. (This mostly happens if the two of you met in person rather than online).
⦁ They really have become busy with something important and a date is not possible.
The first 3 are clearly reasons to move on. Each shows a complete lack of interest so there’s no point in committing more of your precious time towards this person.
The last is the only reason in which it might be worth rescheduling the date. Of course, if this kind of reason happens a few times in a row, this person is also worth moving on from.
It’s true that a relative might have died, their car became wrecked and they were fired…all consecutively on days you had a date scheduled – but the probability is sufficiently low that we’d say it’s more likely they’re wasting your time!
How to respond to a flake
It’s important to remember that your dates time is valuable but so is yours.
You might have been really excited to see them – perhaps you made a booking at an awesome new restaurant which just opened in town, maybe it’s been a stressful week and you were looking forward to seeing a comedy show together or maybe you were just looking forward to a romantic stroll along the beach. So the flake feels like a real bummer – particularly if you two had great initial chemistry!
How to respond generally depends on how they’ve canceled. If they have a real excuse like a relative passing away, they had a car crashed or something extreme – fair enough. They might not be in the head state to reschedule with you right then and there. So take a breather, express some empathy and let them contact you in the future to reschedule.
Your date: I’m so sorry but I can’t make it tonight. My car was wrecked.
You: Damn I’m sorry to hear – are you okay? No problems on missing tonight.
Then one week later:
Your date: Hey there, want to make plans again? I promise my car won’t get wrecked this time ^.^.
You: Hell yes! How’s your schedule this week?
Again, if this is the third time that they’ve flaked, you might ask if is an episode of Lemony Snicket’s ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ or whether they might just not be worth your time. The probabilities suggest the latter rather than the former! Responding to this is easy, it’s time to let this one go. Many people out there enjoy the game of being pursued but aren’t actually ready for dating or a relationship so there’s nothing wrong with letting them down politely.
In this case:
Your date: I’m so sorry but I can’t make it tonight, my car engine just blew up for the third time!
You: No problem, have a good night.
One week later:
Your ex-date: Hey, want to catch up again?
You: Hi! Sorry, I can’t – busy day. Have a good night!
To sum it up
We’ve outlined our research and thoughts on flaking and we hope you find it helpful!
We want to finish on just one more line of thought…
Sometimes after a flake (with no legitimate excuse), some people will go along with it and reschedule. Why? Because they’re still attached to the chemistry of that initial meeting (or some similar reason) and to some degree, there’s little cost to set up another date – even if they do flake again.
But keep in mind, even if you finally get that date, what then? Is it okay for them to do the same thing for the second or third dates? Of course not. It’s a lot of hassle which you don’t deserve. It’s time to move on and find someone more worthy of your time!
Now if their excuse for flaking was legitimate, why not book the next date on a Sunday? This way, if they flake again you won’t have lost a fun Friday or Saturday night! Of course, picking a date idea on a Sunday is harder than on a Friday or Saturday so we recently posted a blog on Sunday Night Date Ideas – check it out!